Innocence

I don't know where to begin.. Do I start with the "first kiss" Or what lead up to "the first kiss" Do I start with how much I have allowed myself to be "hurt" by boys.. Not once, not twice, not even three times. Because of my pure innocence and my selfishness; I have allowed too many guys to venture into a part of my life that I should have saved for one guy.

It all begin with my "first kiss" (my best friend).. He was everything to me.. He knew me inside and out. I knew I could trust him with my "first kiss". I was able to, until he wanted more. I had always had a hard time saying "no" to people who were close to me. I gave into my desires and I allowed myself to kiss him once again. That second kiss changed everything in our friendship.. He never looked at me the same. All he could talk about was, when will I be able to kiss you and touch you again.. I had become an "item" to him instead of a best friend. I had no one else to blame, but myself and my selfish nature. I could have prevented all of it, If I could have just learned to say "no"

After that it took about a year for our friendship to ever truly be the same. During that year I started my "flings". My first "fling" was a boy named Blake. I met him at my friends birthday party. That was the first time I also allowed myself to sleep in the same bed with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. After him came Ryan, at my 21st birthday party. It started out as an innocent birthday kiss, then turned into a make out session at the bar. I had always been appalled by people who displayed PDA at the bars, but that night I became one of them.

I then vowed that I was done with guys and I would never have a random "fling". That lasted about three months, before I made out with my first Latino boy. I really tried to block him out of my mind, so for the life of me I cannot remember his name. That was the first time I had ever been completely naked in front of a guy. He made me think it was very much okay. I didn't have the audacity to tell him "no". I felt so dirty afterward. I felt like apart of me had been taken away. A few months later, I cut off all contact with him.

After him I went downhill. I am not going to lie, as much as I hated how I felt, I enjoyed the attention guys gave me. It wasn't the best attention, but for some girls some attention is better than none. I had never experienced this in HS and it felt good to have "good looking" guys notice me. The sad part was, most of the time I was too naive to notice how much I was being used. When I did figure it out, I had already been hurt and I could not undo the past.

I ended up dating a guy for about a month an a half. I knew it was wrong from the beginning (seeing as we only knew each other for ten days). I had no idea what I was doing, I allowed myself to think that I "needed" a guy, but he was all wrong for me. I am just glad I was able to realize that, before it was too late. That is actually one guy I do not regret having in my life. As much as he hurt me, I was able to learn a lot about myself and what I want in a future relationship.


I am not going to mention the other guys, because there were too many of them. I honestly don't think that the number is important. All I know is that, I am very much ready for a change in my life. I started with deleting all the numbers of the guys who are a stumbling block in my life. It felt really good. For once I was finally taking a step to really help myself.


I hate that so many people do not know who I really am. I am a selfish individual, who continuously gives into my desires. I have a very hard time saying "no" because it seems so much easier to say "yes" and make the other person happy. I now realize how much that has hurt me and others in my life. I cannot undo the past, but my prayer is that God will forgive me. I just want to feel "pure" again that some great guy out there might be worthy of me some day. Even with all that baggage I carry from my past.

My hope is that you will all be there for me, as I continue down this road called life. You now know what my biggest weakness is, and how easy it is for me to fail. We all have our weaknesses, but its what we choose to do with them that makes the difference. I ask that you please continue praying for me. Pray that I will be able to forgive myself and let go of the guilt. I also ask for your forgiveness, for pretending to be someone I was not.